robinsbane

Things have been going ok lately. I really have nothing to complain about, but nothing to be particularly ecstatic over either. I'm happy about Obama, but realize that I'm not going to see any real change in that regard for quite some time. The hope that I incurred as a result of his winning the election was rather fleeting, flushed away by the gray outside and in. This morning was one of those soggy but warm days.
The warm air was a welcome surprise this morning when I left the house, expecting frigid cold. For the last few days I've had a sinus drip that's starting to irritate my throat. I can tell i'm not getting sick, but some microbial irritant has made itself a home in there and will probably be a pest for a few more days. It only compounds the affect of the winter on me though, making me feel more tired and down. Every day I wake up warm, cozy and happy and immediately think about returning to that place of comfort at the end of my day. I hit snooze about 4 times now before actually getting up, which has resulted in my showering the night before work so that I have enough time in the morning to get ready. Its silly though, I do wake up with that first ring...only laying there for 30minutes, a ball of anxiety over my sloth. The mind is a funny thing, always playing tricks.
Typically once I'm at work, I'm set. Lately, my days have been spent looking for some way to get out of being here. Its not that I dislike my work or anything, I just get bored and would rather be laying down at home than sitting here waiting for it to be 4. Since I no longer have a personal computer to use regularly, I find it difficult to surf the webs for long. I run out of things to look at, or get paranoid I may get in trouble at work. Plus, I genuinely enjoy being productive, so not having actual work to do becomes somewhat disillusioning. Having to cover 2 clinics for 3 months was a lot of work, and now that has all changed. It hadn't occurred to me until recently, that what I thought would be my position here has completely changed. As I was covering the 2 clinics to cover for someone on maternity leave, eventually she was going to come back and I would have my own position in another clinic. I was going to be the "jill of all trades" sort of nurse, thus my role and what I would be doing day to day would be changing constantly. Since the other nurse decided to resign, it has left me in her position. Being the coag nurse in one clinic. Doing the same thing all day long, very repetitive, not at all good for someone with ADD. Not at all good for someone who, even though she was covering two jobs, was still able to find time to get it all done and fuck around at will.
All of these issues are problems that were rather quickly solved by treating my ADD with medication. Earlier this year I was experiencing similar problems, but with much worse symptoms. My anxiety has held well, but the early morning waking up without the desire to get up is pretty classic for me, the weasling out of work, and the sleepiness. Sounds silly, but ADD is a rather exhausting condition by the end of the day. For myself, my mind just races constantly when it doesn't have a lot of keep it busy. So when I'm at work with nothing to do I cant really surf the internet because I dont' really NEED to do it, so there is nothing that will really hold my attention at that point. I just sit and think about lots of things.. This leads me to worry, often about things that I have little to no control over in the moment. Creates more anxiety, more racing thoughts, and the cycle continues. By the end of the day, I'm so tired from having nothing to do that I'm more exhausted than had I been busy all day. That is why I'm able to talk on meebo, update my livejournal and listen to my voicemails. Becauase to do any one of those things by itself would not be very interesting, but if I force myself to pay attention to all 3 at once its a lot easier. So weird. So very frustrating.
Other than that, have been dealing with my Grandma getting sick. It is not looking good for her, but she is 86 and its all to be expected. She is taking it all very well, but it is hard to watch her slip away. It has been a long time coming, and I feel very blessed to be able to take advantage of time with her. In traditional Robin fashion, I feel an incredible sense of guilt for not visiting like this all the time before. Life gets away from you and you forget what is important. I would say that has been a theme in my life for a while now.
Its easy to get caught up in desire. For things, people, status, money, etc. In my quest to attain what I thought I always wanted I have realized that what matters in the end are my family, friends and life. I thought that I needed lots of cool stuff to make myself happy and now have a lot of debt to show for it. I feel like I am missing out now on the life I would like to live as a result of my greed before, and my need to pay for it now. It sucks. It is also difficult to overcome. I don't really know how anymore. So I just keep trying. Thats all I can do.

is something I always seem to do, but have a fair reason for. Things have been hectic at my house lately. I am so freaking exhausted this morning that to keep myself awake at work I am doing anything I can on the internets. So here I am. The last week was absolutely grueling. Every day after work Este and I worked on the house until midnight to get it ready for the appraisal, then this weekend we worked from 8-10am to midnight both days. OMG I have not been this physically tired in so freaking long. We did get so much accomplished though (all of which would not have happened without the help of good friends and este's mom/jeff). Este and I are two people who work very efficiently this deadlines and not so good without. When we had to have the house ready for appraisal by today (which we didn't find out till' last monday)it kicked us into full house mode. This was good because we would not have accomplished near as much had we not. The window trim on the outside of the house was a project we had been putting off for 1.5years, the upstairs chimney almost 8months, cleaning the basement 2yrs, building the dog kennel 2yrs, etc. All of those tasks plus many more were done over the week. The whole backyard was cleaned up, we finally got a tool shed, and cleaned up our driveway. All of these things would have been tasks that we may have gotten to over the summer, but in all honesty never really would have. That seems to be just how we roll. All of that said, I'm very stoked because we basically did all of the work we needed to do this summer and its only June 16, so not we have the whole summer just to do projects we want to do. What's neat about that is we'll have the opportunity to do things that will make the house look better, and wont be in crisis mode.

Getting the refi that all of this work enabled us to do will also make for a much better summer. We have learned some very important lessons over the last 2yrs as the result of getting the house, dealing with the IRS, figuring out our strengths and weaknesses with financial management, etc. One thing I think we have figured out completely is the need to pay off debt and just use cash. Myself in particular have gotten very caught up in using credit to solve any financial problems and to get what I want when I want it and not when I can afford it. By itself our credit card debt is not too horrible, but combined with a high mortgage, high taxes and student loans, its got us. One thing I definitely look forward to is consolidating all of the debt and just keeping one credit card for emergencies. I have said that in the past but kept all of the cards, I know now that they just need to be cut up. Este and I certainly need to get rid of all of our non-mutual credit cards and just have one for the two of us. Coming into our relationship Este had a couple and I had 5. Going down to 1 between the two of us would make paying bills every month much easier.

Speaking of bills, anyone use quicken billpay? What a pain in the fucking ass. I know that once I have it completely set up it will be cool, but the amount of documentation they want to do that is crazy. I understand that there is a big financial liability, but jesus christ, they're having me fax them all sorts of shit. What e-financial service still utilizes fax?

I digress, my 25th birthday is this weekend and I'm pretty stoked. I'm happy because I've met some big goals for my quarter century. I'm 1lb away from my weight loss goal for this time, house is set, job set, things are good. Now it means setting new goals, so I have to get crack'n on grad school. I need to study for GRE's hardcore because my vocab sucks. Other than that I don't think getting into school will be too hard. I'm good at writing the entrance essays; I know what they want to hear, and I actually want to work with underserved communities so that works well.

Ok, that's enough for now...I'm taking too long and forget what I've already written. Until next time...

Its strange how out of the darkness comes the light.

I feel like I have been very lucky lately. The last 6 months of last year were kind of dark ones for me. While I had some very awesome things happening, I think I've started to go through that weird part of life where you start to evaluate your life in some way. Mostly childhood stuff that didn't make much sense until now. I feel the strongest and weakest right now. I have a hard time articulating what I'm thinking about it....especially since I'm on my way through a bottle of wine right now.

I guess, I'm just glad that Sam and Greg are going to be back soon, Este and I are going to Vegas in April too, Amber might move back (right?!?!?), we should re-finance in June...things are looking up, and I'm glad. Cause I think I'm the happiest right now I've been in a long time. I do think though, that behind all of the happiness in my day to day life, underneath I'm starting to uncover some long hidden demons in my mind. Its kinda scary.

Este has been the silver lining to every grey cloud I have faced in the last couple of months. Without him, I don't know where I would be now. :D

Pretty much anyone that knows me knows that I have a tendancy to become bored professionally. Now this can manifest itself in different ways. Often I just start slacking until I'm utterly bored out of my mind and then move on to something else...well that all changes when you're responsible for other people. So, I have been in the ICU since last October, not very long in the world of nursing especially. Over the course of the last few months I have had a growing anxiety when at work. What is interesting about it is that as I became more comfortable with my skills (perhaps realizing more and more how much I DONT know)I've become more anxious at work. In the last month or so it has gotten to the point that about 4 hours before my shift I start to get that anxious feeling in the pit of my stomach, which eventually turns to tears as I'm saying goodbye to Este, and utter sobbing by about 39th and powell.
Contrary to what most think of me, I am a pretty emotional person. I do have an incredible ability to hide those feelings though, and to externalize them when I feel its appropriate. I have many confidants that I share my problems with, each of them with their own kind of "assigned" type of issue. Sam is really good for talking about the long term stuff...este, my family, life stress in general, Amber is also good for this. Este is the catch all of all problems that don't originate from him. Then there's Nikki and Serena who have been serrogate friends in a way since Sam has been gone. Since Nikki left she and I don't really talk as much, but working with Serena has certainly made our friendship stronger, and I realize what a great friend she is now. I know that if Nikki comes back we'll be right back where we were. I think I'm having a hard time with her because we only talk on the phone, and she is not a good person to talk about this sort of stuff about...which I should get back to (I'm a little tangential today).
So, in the ICU a few months, have been on my own for about 2 months now on night shift. I generally like working night shft, I mean I complain about it a lot but I would much rather work 12 hour night shifts than 12 hour day shifts. In a hospital you have lots of administrative staff, students, family, etc wandering all over the place, getting into your chart, sitting in your chair during the day - its plain irritating. So I like nights because I don't have to feed people any meals, their family is usually sleeping, gone, or I've made them leave, and the baby doctors have gone home to study. It works well and the time goes by fast without pulling a hamstring trying to get it all done. That said, I'm tired of not being home with Este at night, planning all trips around whether or not I have to work, not knowing my schedule because it constantly changes, weekends, weekends, weekends. Fuck working weekends it sucks. Working nights on weekends REEEEAAAALLLY sucks because when you're under 30 you're usually missing out on something fun to be doing on any given weekend night. So there's the nights.
Then there's the anxiety. I dont totally understand what is causing it, which is frustrating because it means I can't stop it. I only have the anxiety on days I work, with the worst of it happening at work. This isn't some little bit of butterflies either...I'm throwing up, multiple times throughout my shift. I can't eat (due to the nausea/vomiting) for the 12+ hours I'm here, so by the end of the night I have a huge headache and I'm exhausted. Not to mention that the minute I leave the building I'm horribly hungry. But, I dont' want to eat because its right before I go to bed. Innevitably I eat something, or I just fall over into bed because I'm jsut that tired. The anxiety seems like the deal breaker for me. I've tried a few things, but the nature of my job means no sedatives which is really my only pharmaceutical option, I've tried some positive imagery, calling este for a talk down...lots of things. Nothing works.
So, where does this leave me? I can't feel sick at work all the time. Its damaging to my psyche at best, if not making me completely hate my career choice. I feel an overwhelming sense of failure in that my life's work has not brought me any sort of satisfaction to speak of so far. I evaluated what was common among my last couple of jobs, what wasn't. I think I feel very trapped when I'm in the ICU because I really can't go anywhere. Also, if you get a crappy patient, you're stuck for 12 hours with them starring at you all night. Its aweful. I really don't know how to describe what this is like. So, I decided that what I needed what a complete change of pace.
What was common among my last couple of jobs that I love; cardiology. What is one thing I hate about my job now and have since before OHSU; the shift work hours. So, I'm perusing craigslist and what do I happen upon; "Anticoagulation nurse needed in clinic m-f 8-5, salary". Holy crap, its what I've been looking for!!! So, I apply and within 15 minutes I have an appointment for an interview. I go to my interview on Monday this week and it didn't feel great afterwards. I thought I poorly worded some of my answers, and wasn't really on my game. Well, 4 days later and I've been offered a position in a cardiology clinic. What are the chances?
So now I finish out my time at OHSU. We'll see how that goes...I've had a pretty scary night, but my stomach is still in knots. My boss offered to let me leave without 2 weeks notice, but I wanted to be professional about it and give the two weeks. Tonight is night one and I don't think I'll be making it. I'm going to keep trying...but we'll see. By March though, I will be a normal 8-5 m-f person! woo hoo!

Geez, things have been a little crazy around here! Este and I both started new jobs in October and things are going well, though we are both pretty busy. He's very busy because he's fixing a very broken system and I'm busy because well, starting a new job with new responsibilities is busy. Things are going well with the new job. Tonight is my first nightshift, which has been painful, but not too bad. Time does go by a lot slower at night, as there is less going on, but I did have a very easy pair of patients that allowed for a slow night. Probably a good thing since its allowed me to develope a bit of a routine.

Things certainly are better in the ICU. I have pretty much the same responsibilities as before except with fewer patients, and more drugs at my disposal. Kinda awesome. I can't begin to explain the difference in work settings. Most of my new coworkers are very positive and upbeat. I rarely hear people complain about OHSU as an institution, and in fact most people are really happy here. What I like about it too, is that the folks that have been here 20+ years are some of the most pleasant; certainly the opposite of my experience. I have had very nice preceptors that have made my transition easy. I will admit I do have my anxiety. But, I wouldn't be me if I didn't have a constant case of imposter syndrome. I always feel as though I've completely fooled everyone into thinking I'm smart or something. Its crazy. :D

As far as personal stuff goes, things are great. I could not be more content with Este, I feel like we've really resolved a lot of our issues from earlier in the fall. Christmas was great. Since Mom and Dad have stopped drinking the holidays have been so much better. I don't wake up with knot in my stomach on xmas morning which is nice. Everyone gets along, its awesome. I really love also how my family has accepted Este in a way i never would have imagined. Its really cool to see them care for someone just because I love them (and I suppose they might like him too :D). Seeing Ryan for the first time since May was really nice too. He's turned into a downright likable person as far as little brothers go. We're goign to go visit him in SF for new years, and I cannot wait. 3 days away from home, a hotel, a different city, seeing Amber, all sorts of things I am absolutely thrilled for. I really just cannot wait. Este and I have never been on a real roadtrip before either so that will be interesting. We will certainly be preparing some entertainment for the trip.

Otherwise I cannot complain about anything. Things are going great.

This week I started my new job at OHSU. Typically starting a new job is a time of great excitement and intringue, but when you go to a new hospital system it means a week of drudgery before getting to the meat of orientation. This includes of course, some time with the hr people explaining benefits, etc. Then a whole gaggle of lectures on various nursing topics; infection control, med administration, codes, organ donation, family centered care, iv pumps, epidural pumps, pca (patient controlled analgesia) pumps, urine dipsticks, finger sticks....and the list goes on and on. So, in other words, people came and lectured me for 40 hours this week on all the things I went to college for, or knew since I used to work here.

OHSU is an exciting place to work because it is constantly changing and growing. There are a million different things I could do here if I decide to leave bedside nursing (which will have to happen some day, my back says so) and they are certainly supportive of my desire to return to acedemia, as it is a teaching institution.

So in spite of my severe boredom, I am happy to be here.

I got to talk to Sam this week which was much needed. As Nikki prepares to leave and Jenny's wedding is over I'm feeling a little lonely for some girl time. Amber was going to come up this week, but caught the flu and had to cancel. I was really excited to see her, but I don't want the flu either. :) Its strange because I feel like I just need to talk...but I'm not very good at talking on the phone...I like the get a bottle of wine and hang out with your girls type of talking. That said, there's just some things you can't talk about with your partner (ie- am I crazy? ).

Over this weekend I look forward to some serious r&r. The strangest thing happened with our house this week. On monday for Este's bday we had nik and drew over for dinner. I made fish tacos. Whenever I ever cook fish I'm very careful to throw everything (the packaging/any leftovers) away and take all the garbage out of the house. Ever since Monday, our house has had this fish smell. Its not overpowering, and you don't notice it after about 2 minutes in the house. Yesterday I opened every window and door and turned on a bunch of fans for about an hour. I then closed everything up and when Este got home he could still smell it! I sprayed ozium even. Oh well. I assume there must be a source, but the smell is only in the dining room and living room. Its so weird. I'm at a total loss of what to do. So I guess I'm working on this this weekend. And I have to do a couple hundred pages of reading before monday.. woo hoo.

The last week has been a bit of an emotional rollercoaster.

Last Friday Este and I went down to Eugene. Este was going to go hike the south sister with his dad early sat morning, and I was to go hang out with Jenny and the other bridesmaids in a hotel room.

At the hotel room that night were Jenny, Lauren (jenny's bff from nc), Shasta, and Jessica (a girl that Jenny met in grad school). For a little back story, Jenny had another bridesmaid Susan who also went through a lot that week and we had thought she would not be able to make it to the ceremony. She is 8 months pregnant, and just found out her husband (one of the groomsman, their 6yo son was also the ringbear) has been cheating on her with her old college roomate. Fucking awesome huh? Anywho, this girl Jessica was brought in last minute (like the night before the wedding) to take Susan's place.

Jenny had planned this wedding for 2 years, but she didn't really include anyone except for Susan and her grad school friends in the planning. Jenny had been in Jessica's wedding in July, and they had developed a special bond. Unfortunatly I have no idea why, as that Jessica girl is a total bitch. From the minute I walked into that hotel room, to the last song at the reception, that bitch would not leave me alone. So, after an evening of sitting around and not doing anything (Jenny wanted to be "present" for her nuptuals) all of the girls went to bed in the bed room, and I was left on the loveseat in the little living room. So, I sat alone and smoked and watched Conan. I really wanted to call Este and cry, as I felt very out of place and needed to talk to someone I could confide in, but I just assumed he would be asleep preparing for his hike.

In the morning I met Jenny and Jessica (I never saw jenny *without* jessica the entire time, as Jessica planted herself firmly in Jenny's ass) and ate continental breakfast in the lobby of the hotel. At that point I was feeling pretty tired and groggy (suprise, after years of backproblems it really fucking hurt my back to sleep on a godamned loveseat) and suggested I run over to my parents house and take a nap before I had to go to Jenny's aunt's salon to get my hair done. After discussing the plans for the day, I then realized that I didn't really have that much time. At this point Jessica told me about how I really should go take a nap. That's when I kinda snapped. Who are you to tell me what to do? You've known me for 8 hours, and I think I can judge my own needs better than you can. At this point she was a little taken aback, but apologized for being "such a mom" and said she'd back off.

I then met the girls back at the salon. Jenny was all ready and Lauren and I went to help her put her wedding dress on. It was a really special moment, but of course Jessica had to butt into it. Jenny was dressed and went with one of the photographers to meet Jon for the first time that day. Then Pam Jenny's mom, offered to go get all us girls sandwiches while we got our hair done. Thank fucking god that Jessica's hair was done so she went with Pam. The minute that door was shut I let out a sigh of relief; "ohmygod i'm so glad that fucking bitch is gone for 20 minutes!" At that moment Lauren looked at me and could only say "I'm glad I'm not the only one thinking that!"

I could go into the rest of the day play by play, but I've gone over it so many times in my own head that I'm pretty much done thinking about it. The ceremony was beautiful, I'm very happy for Jenny and Jon that their wedding turned out so well. There with hitches along the way, but it all worked out great.

AFter the ceremony I lost it for a little bit. I cried a lot. Then during the toasts I cried even more as I saw the continuum of friends that were gathered there and it made me think a lot about my friendship with Shasta.

I had a lot of fun with Shasta, though limited. I was pretty sad that that would probably be the last time I really see her. Matt seemed to ignore my presence, which is fine. I don't really care what he thinks about me. But, I could tell it was hard for her too. I'm just glad that we had the sort of closure that we did. I know that a friendship really is not possible in the future, and that's ok. I can tell she's happy, which is enough for me.

Later on that night, Lauren and I drank quite a bit of champagne and decided that we weren't ready to let the party end, so we ended up going to high st. (mcmenamins) and splitting a pitcher. Mark spettel was the best man for those of you who read this and know who he is, and accompanied us. He has not changed one bit, except he doesn't have all that metal shit in his ears like he used to.

Having Lauren at the wedding was crutial to my survival, and for that I could never thank her enough.

Later that night after este had picked me up and gone to bed, I stayed up with my mom for a while and vented. This of course led to me crying more.

The next day Este and I left town pretty early. We both had been put through the ringer, este physically, and I mentally.

The next few days after that have also been rough. My relationship with Este has been put to the test in the last few days. As this is an openly read journal, I will respect him by not going into it here. Needless to say, at this point in time things are doing better, and headed back to where we were a month ago.

All I know is that after all of this my heart just hurts. When I think about Shasta my heart hurts. When I think of how my long time friend treated me for a day, my heart hurts. Right now, even being at home is hard, but being away is harder.

I think that I'm just at a point where I live in a world of people I thought I could count on and trust but in the end they are only people. Maybe I'm just as unreliable? I don't know. It will take me a long time to feel the closeness to all of these people that I once had.

wow...I think this was the most emo post I've ever put out.

For fear of being a broken record.... I just feel sad inside. It's such a combination of hurts that I don't know where to begin in picking up the peices and trying to make sense of it all. I just wish I were in the headspace and happiness that I was in 2 weeks ago. But even though I was happy then, the betrayal, cruelty, and lack of consideration were all brewing around me and I just didn't know it. I guess that is what fuels my fear for the future is that I am afraid I will not be able to trust and care again like I used to. Trusting people is not something that I take on easily, and when I'm so hurt by those that I care about I don't really know how to get it back.

So I guess my goal for the next week is to get my groove back. I'm more than willing to take suggestions.

As I end my time at Good Sam I've been thinking a lot of what I want to do with my future. I'm very excited to be going to the ICU at OHSU, and hope that it will be more fulfilling that my current position is affording me. I do worry that I will never be satisfied professionaly by nursing and that I'm wasting my time. Only time will tell I suppose. Moreover I've been seriously considering graduate school. Though I am only 24 there are some realities I need to face regarding this.

First you have to get into Grad school. This isn't such a simple task. Before I can even consider applying I must take the GRE. I'm not too intimidated by this test, but those who know me academically know that I'm not too good with vocab or grammer; a considerable portion of the test. Because of this I will need to study for at least a couple of months. Currently I am studying for my internship, so it is not in the cards probably until next year some time that I can even begin that process. That said, once I do get to that point it comes to a matter of where to apply, and in what specialty.

Part of why I'm having a hard time is that I'm having a few regrets. Taking so long to complete my BSN, not persuing medical school from the start, not pushing myself harder academically, etc. When I close my eyes and really think about what I would enjoy doing professionally I do see a simply more professional job, such as being a physician. My time in the medical field has certainly taught me that md's are people just like anyone else, so I don't know why it bugs me so much, but I feel as though I have not fulfilled my potential. So, considering all of this I am compelled to either persue a career as a nurse anesthetist(CRNA) or a nurse practitioner(NP). Este is pullng for the CRNA because they start out at $150K+/year right out of school. NP's make less money than I do now. Either way I would have complete autonomy which is what I find attractive. Obviously the money is convincing. My problem with the NP thing is that I would spend $60K more on my education and I'd not see any sort of financial return on that investment, whereas the CRNA thing would work out better in that regard. Money doesn't buy happiness, but being poor sucks, so I dont' think I want to do that anymore. CRNA school will probably win.


Switching gears (as that is depressing)...Last Friday was Jenny's bachelorette party. The Tuesday night before I was worried if things would happen at all, as I started throwing up at work. I continued to throw up anything I tried to eat until Thursday afternoon. Thank god it stopped, because I definitely needed to be ready to drink by Friday. Luckily, I was. :) We started off the night hanging at my place, snacking, having drinks, and then headed off to Darcell's. Darcell's was fun as usual. She made fun of my boobs, which happens everytime I go (jealous much?). Jenny had a blast, and in spite of her previous wish not to stay for the strippers, after a few drinks she changed her mind. :) Afterwards Jenny wanted to do some dancing herself so we walked over to barxv....and immediately walked out as before we could buy a drink we were kicked out by the bouncer. We have no idea why that was, he woudln't tell us, he just said we had to go. So, after freaking out a little bit I said "fuck you barxv" and we walked down to McFadden's. Once there we ordered a drink and were there about 15 minutes when Jenny decided it was time to call it a night. Gave Este a call and 10 minutes later we were on our way back to casa de esperanza. Jenny puked in the driveway which was funny, then I literally tucked her in and that was the end of it. For some reason I thought I woudln't have that great of a time, but it was a blast. This week is the wedding and I know that it will be a good time. Este will be hiking south sister with his dad while Im there, whch will be fun for them too.

The week after is my last here, my last shift being on Friday the 28th. I'm really excited to have things over and done with. In the following week I will be off until my internship starts on 10/8. Consequently this is also Este's bday, and we'll probably have dinner with friends that night or something. I really want us to be able to go away for the weekend before, but I'm not sure if its a financial possibility at this time. Bills are a bitch. If we can, we'll either go up to Victoria for a couple of days, or go down to SF and visit Ryan. Either will be fun. Plus, if we go to SF we can stop and visit Amber on the way. Roadtrips are fun. Victoria is a lot closer, but now that the Honda is all tuned up and ready for action, we can go to CA. We'll see.

I certainly have had a strange couple of days, if not weeks.

One of my dear friends is getting married this month, and I'm having a hard time being very excited. I mean, I'm very happy for her, that's not the issue. There are just things that are hanging in my head that make it not as much fun as I remember being in Sam's wedding.

First there has been a forced reunion with an old friend that I had a falling out with 4 years ago. This has reopened some old wounds for her, and forced me to rehash some feelings that I had let go of. Not seeing someone you were friends with for a decade for 4 years is kind of weird. We both look the same, but different. We've both grown up a lot. I never thought that we would be able to completely move past our differences, but I hoped that we could at least leave the past in the past and move forward. She took the first step in emailing me which I expected to happen eventually. Este and I have discussed this issue so much, especially since I found out about the wedding and who would be in the party. I guess I felt kind of resolved that I would just be cordial, and assumed she'd do the same. I think that was the end result of a short exchange between the two of us. I think what leaves me frustrated is that the tone I get from her is that she chose to end a friendship that she didn't feel supported in. What I dont' think she understands is that I didn't stop it at the time, because I felt the same way. There's a reason that I didn't go running back begging forgiveness, and its not pride. And I guess I'm pretty ambivalent anymore because I just can't get upset with myself over how I dealt with a huge emotional, painful, confusing and life changing event when I was 20 years old. Mistake or not, I went with what felt right. In the end its just sad though. I think of the sisterly bond that I share with Sam and know it was lost with her.

So, as you can see, this isn't the girl in high school who got pissed because I dated her ex or something.

Moving on...the bachelorette party and my involvement at all. I knew when Jenny got married I would be involved because I've known Jenny for a very long time, so I've heard her talk about it a million times. That said, I was a little suprised when she did actually ask me to be in her wedding party. Jenny and I over the years have spoken less and less and really aren't much a part of the other's life. We hung out outside of school with different people in high school, went to different colleges, and don't share very many interests. As we've gotten older the bond of alcohol has given us something to do together, but since I moved to portland we don't talk much. What saved any sort of relationship was when we would go on long walks together in the summer before I moved to portland. I think it kind of rekindled something between us, and showed that even if we lived different lifestyles we have many of the same problems. That was nice. After moving to Portland I got into nursing school and jenny graduated from college and went to grad school. We were both very busy and eventually just made an agreement to not get upset with the other for not calling, because neither of us had time for it. It worked well. About every 3-6 months we'd catch up over the phone or a drink in Eugene. Jen came to my graduation last summer which was nice. Most of my friends either don't appreciate graduating from college, were in the graduation, or live out of the area so having someone that really knows me be there was cool. Jenny is a good person and friend, and I have no reason not to want to be a part of her special day, I guess I just don't feel like I'm much a part of things at all other than to stand there in the wedding and to host her bachelorette party. My experience with being in weddings is that you usually help the bride with wedding details, planning things, etc. I don't know if Jenny thought that I wouldn't want to help or what. I guess the clincher for me was when I recieved an invitation to the bridal shower in the mail. I thought to myself; wtf? Wouldn't a bridesmaid at least be notified of the plan before the invited guests? Why am I not involved in the planning? It was planned by Jenny's good friend Susan, who Jenny has been much more close with in the last few years that with me. The bridal shower was tough. I felt like a guest, as opposed to part of the wedding party and that was fine. All of Jenny's friends from school were invited and everyone pretty much knew eachother except for me. I guess I just kept thinking "why am I here? what am I contributing? am I just a peice of nostalgia and that's it?"

Getting Jenny to set a date for the bachelorette party took a while. Once it was decided, getting a guest list took a while. Then once I had all of those peices I began planning. But, it can't start until after 7pm and Jenny has to be back in Eugene at 11am the next day. She wants to eat american food before we go out, so I've been trying to find a restaraunt that doesn't suck in portland that serves it. We're going to a drag show which is followed by a nude male dancer show which she doesn't want to stay for. Then she wants to go dancing, but her friends that have RSVP'd have made it clear they don't want to pay a cover or go anywhere meat-markety. So, once again, wtf? It's so not an evening I would plan, but I must. The party isn't for me, so it doesn't really matter what I want, but I guess I've never heard of a bride really planning her own bachelorette party like that.


So what this all comes down to is I feel a) like a relic from her past that is there for nostalgia or they needed an extra person and b) I'm a venue for a party that I wouldn't be planning if I didn't live in Portland. I guess that sums it up well.

Of course, having said all that I will do my best to be a good host for Jenny and her friends, and will be on my best behavior for the wedding the next weekend.

On to other things....
So, last weekend Este and I went on a little camping trip. It was planned very casually and we had planned to try to find a camping site near a trail head I wanted to hike. Well, you know how best laid plans go... So, we ended up on mt hood. The drive was beautiful. Things were a little tense when we were getting ready to go, but we're always like that. The dogs were absolutely freaking out, and we weren't sure how they'd behave. But oh my gosh did I have the best time. I think it was the first time I felt like we were really a little family. It was nice. The only other times I really feel like that is when we've woken up on christmas morning and stuff, so it was pretty neat. What was really nice was how relaxing it was. We did crosswords, played boggle and cards. Este taught me a new game, we were able to talk a lot, go on walks, play with the dogs. The dogs were amazingly good, and were able to stay off their leash for pretty much the whole time. The only time we tied them down was when we heard a few gun shots, but that was pretty short. One thing I learned was how incredibly easy it is for me to cook/prepare for only two people. So, I will never do the cook for everyone thing ever again. Este and I subsisted in the same amt of time on one cooler for all of our food/bev, and only needed our car to carry our gear. With the dogs it was a little tight, but it worked. So yes, camping can be a lot easier than I usually make it for myself. It was pretty cold up there, but not unbearable by any means. On the drive you could see hood so clearly, it was like you could almost reach and touch the glaciers....so cool. We walked all around trying to find a bigger campsite, but the one we did find and stay in could easily accomodate about 6-8 campers max in 3 tents. We will have to bring other people back some day, but for now it is our little secret (ha, yeah us and all the teenagers that live in hood river and drink there).

Before that we went and had dinner with the Sadowski's and the Woodard's. Drew and Nikki are getting psych'd up for moving out to NC at the end of the year and starting grad school (I'm just a little jealous to be honest). It was nice to see Melissa and Brian since they had little Marlysa with them. We hadn't seen her since she was a month old, and now at 7 months she's developed a personality which is fun. Much wine and delicious food was consumed, and I only wanted to have a baby for a day or so afterward. :) I get that Johnson's baby wash smell in my head, and it doesn't go away easily. But, I'm pretty sure I want to apply to grad schools next year so that will have to wait. 30 isn't too old to start is it? I don't want my eggs to dry up too early. I do look forward to starting a family though. A lady I used to work with was giving me some advice once and said that you know you are ready to have children when you've exhausted every other possible way to show your partner how much you love them. This of course could be interpreted many ways, but I believe the moral was; stick it out as long as you can stand it before you have a kid, because chances are you'll change your mind down the road (whether that be about timing or partner). I'm pretty sure I've figured out the who, its all just a matter of the when.


So, whew...there's my disjointed update for the week. I think I've been doing a better job of keeping people updated. Its a hard habit to keep, but I think its helpful.

Oh, I can't wait for the weekend to start for me. Technically its not supposed to start until Sunday morning, but it may start this morning. I'm not toally sure what to do yet. We have a birthday party to go to in the afternoon, which could easily be boring and we'll be home by 6 or it could be a totally awsome time, at which point I will not want to go to work. We'll see. I gave my notice yesterday (the countdown begins! My last night is Friday the 28th!) so I don't want to be a jerk and call in on my weekend shifts. That's not cool to do to people. Then, on the other hand, fuck work. Only time will tell. :)

So, this has been a pretty cake week for me. Granted yesterday one of my patients crapped runny diarrhea all over her room. Not once, but three separate times. We don't have janitors. I had to clean it all up. That's ok. Still a cake night.

Tonight on the other hand has sucked balls. I had a very confused patient tonight. When I came in he had all his clothes on and no telemetry on. I work on a telemetry floor, so this seemed sort of weird. For those who don't know, telemetry is the monitoring of the heart that we do on my floor. Each person has 5 little wires hooked up to electrodes on their chest, and these wires connect into a little box the size of a remote control. This little box fits into a pocket on their gown. Anywho...my experience as a nurse has taught me that you must be careful with little old crazy people because they have this habit of falling all over the place and hurting themselves. This results in massive paperwork on my part.

So as I was saying, when I came in this particular patient had no telemetry hooked up, and the day nurse helped me out so much by telling him he could go home later tonight (absolutely not the truth). In addition, he was just sitting in a wheel chair by the nurse's station scooting around with no supervision (HUGE liability). This meant that instead of rounding on my 4 other very ill yet not crazy patients, I got to spend an hour convincing this guy back out of his clothes, into a gown with telemetry, and to sit in his bed for a bit. This then lasted about 15 minutes, and he then grabbed all his shit out of the closet, spilled water all over the floor, and threw all of his non-clothes-stuff on the floor. SWEET! So, I put him in a recliner chair and sat him next to me at the nurse's station to chill for a bit. This worked well as I was charting and stuff. I had seen my other 4 patients for about 5 minutes each at this point, but it makes tons of sense that this guy doesn't have a sitter. Very safe. AFter about an hour of sitting in this chair he starts to explain to me that it is definitely time for him to go home, and that was that. Well, unfortunatly I could not let a deranged 85 year old man off into the streets of portland half naked, so I then explained that he was stuck with me for the night. He was not pleased.

This began the next 10 hours of misery I had with this guy. So, I snowed him. That is to say I gave him lots of drugs to sedate him so he would stop hitting me. Unfortunatly, these drugs take a while to take effect, so in the mean time he was swinging that telemetry box I was telling you about before over his head and trying to hit me with that. AWESOME! So, I call the doctor and say I need to try something else. Well, he's old and all these drugs we're giving him is probably making it worse in the long run. Unfortunatly I'm responsible for the lives of 4 other people with significant heart problems and I can't just sit with him all night. So, I put him in a wheel chair and had him sit outside my other patient's rooms while I saw them. I love hospitals. They are so great. But the best part is yet to come.

By around 2am I realized that this man had not peed since I got here at 7pm. Which meant he probably hadn't peed for hours before I even got here. So shit. This guy needs to pee, or I have a whole other lot of problem s to deal with. So, I roll him in his room the next time he wakes up and say; "hey, need to pee?" He then says yeah, and grabs his weiner, so I hand him a urinal and say "so pee." He then proceeds to throw said urinal at my head (luckily empty this time). So I say " I gues you really don't need to pee," roll him back to the hall and hang some more. I eventually got him on a toilet, only after he tried to give me a black eye.

*sigh* I'm out of here in an hour, and then I'm off for a week. Oh my fucking god 7:30 can't come fast enough.

So, I've been feeling very old lately. Over the last year or so I've gone on a medication other than birth control that I have to take every day, twice a day. It helps me a lot, so I'm usually very good about taking it. Unfortunately it has two side effects;

Firstly, it is metabolized by my liver. If you've met me before you probably know I have a taste for the sauce. Over the course of my drinking career, I got to the point where I could have around 10 drinks over the course of an evening, and granted they are not too strong, feel pretty ok the next day. Now, I can barely drink 3 without becoming totally intoxicated, and absolutely hungover the next day. What really sucks about this, is that after drink #2 I'm pretty well buzzed and kind of forget that I can't drink like I used to. So I end up getting really trashed and feeling like shit the next day. Additionally, as I've gotten older my hangover has worsened, so this is like a double whammy.

Second, this medication is horribly constipating. Over my life I've always been very regular so this is very frustrating. I find myself either unable to go, or I can't stop. Luckily my nursing background has helped me, as I am privy to bowel issues and treatments. So I started off with a very gentle stool softener before bed. This works out well, but I certainly can't do it every day. So, I've been trying every other day. What has made things worse was I completely changed my diet for the last month, and now things are really out of whack. I'm slowly returning to my old diet, and Green Vibrance (the best freaking stuff in the world) is helping with all of the natural enzymes in it. Things are a struggle though. I find bowel obsessed patients so irritating, so to have to focus on my own is really irritating. It's important to remedy though.

So I plug along, trying to make it work. Hopefully this medication will not have to be a permanent fixture in my life, but its working so well for now that I hesitate to try to wean. I had planned to stay on full dose at least until next year some time.

So I did in fact get the OHSU position! There was an error on the job site. I was offered the position today! Woo hoo! OHSU here I come!!!!

I didn't get the OHSU job... :( I'm really really bummed. They didn't even call me, I had to recheck the job site to see that they dropped my app. *sigh* Back to the drawing board...

So Sam and Greg have come and gone, and the dust has finally settled. I've mostly gotten back into my regular routine. Diet has been easier than exercise so far but both have been a challenge. Now that I've gone back to work, things are more structured which helps me a lot. Also, I'm one of those people that when I have an infinite amount of time on my hands I just waste it in front of the tv or something, so now that there's more of a time crunch I will use it more wisely.

I've been busy the last few weeks. Since I last posted we've done some stuff. The beginning of the month we spent in Eugene hanging out with family and friends. Sam's older brother got married, and we caught the tail end of the wedding, which was interesting. I did enjoy margarita fountain. Soon after, Greg headed back east and Sam spent a week hanging out with Este and I. The few days I had to work sucked. Being at work while your bff and boyfriend are sitting on your couch, smoking and drinking your booze you get a little miffed. I really really really really really really really don't want to work at night anymore. But that's another post for another time. During the weekend Sam was here, we went to the bite of oregon on the waterfront. I've always wanted to go to this event, and have always been camping. My friend Kaitlyn from work also met up with us there. There was much wine drinking and tasty food eating..mmm... Too much wine drinking, because we left there for Space room and by the time I got there things were spinning. I think I bugged Este to go, but Anthony was going to meet us there so he didn't want to bail last minute. Luckily for me, Sam's asthma didn't permit her to stay in the craptasticly smokey bar any longer and I had an out. We then headed back to the house where Anthony was waiting for us and hung out for a while.

I think the whole time that Greg and Sam were here could be summed up in two words; "drinking" and "smoking." We did a lot of both. My lungs and my liver hurt a bit.

After that week, Greg made it back and we all hung out for a couple of days before the camping trip. This involved a trip to the Driftwood room for happy hour kobe beef burgers, which were the shit.

The camping trip felt very different to me this year. I no longer use drugs which took away a big chunk of what I used to do all weekend. Everyone is getting older, a little more tame. Those that tried to re-live past benders on Friday were all pretty dead/upset on Saturday. There were trains, a noisy river, and rain. Oh well, that's camping in Oregon. I actually liked our spot and didn't really mind the trains (hey, it certainly provided comic relief). As I was explaining to Alex earlier this evening; since I spent a lot of time at the Temple in my younger years, I have gained the ability to sleep through pretty much any noise. Heat, pain, any motion will totally wake me up...but never noise, at least not for more than a second before I fall back to sleep. My concerns with the train were more vested in the fucked up folks getting hurt playing near the tracks and not paying attention. Luckily, crisis averted again.

Other than being the only vacation that Este and I will take this year, the camping trip was truely relaxing for myself. Este and I have so much stress at home with the dogs, our jobs, bills, house projects, etc...I think we forgot how much we enjoy eachother's company when we don't have anything serious to discuss. I think our most deep conversations that weekend involved positions and ninja skills. Sorry if anyone was offended :) It certainly was good for our relationship, on my side at least, can't speak for my better half. I got to spend more time with people in our group of friends that I don't normally get to spend any time with. Hanging out with Janelle (Jenelle? sp?) more, getting past some early silly misunderstandings was nice. I certainly felt that any animosity that may have existed between myself or anyone there was gone. I hope that's mutual. Seeing Sarah for the first time in a couple of years was nice. Damn that girl has changed. Spending some time with David's gf was funny, and gave me some perspective on how others see me. Sam and I discussed this at length, and I don't need to go on about it here. But, in essence I was introduced to this group by someone I was dating, and when that relationship ended I didn't dissapear. I don't think many women have survived this group of friends in that way. So, for myself to be able to spend time independantly with the group of dirty fuckers they all are, maybe I'm a little rough on the exterior. I could definitely see that being true for someone maybe a little younger, and a little less mature than I am now. But I assure you all, there was a time when I was the young girl kissing everyone and fucked up. Everyone starts somewhere. If you look at any of kris' archive photos from 2000-2003 I'm pretty much always wearing something pink and sparkley and my pupils were usually giant. Oh to be 18 again. A good age. Well, 21 was probably my favorite.

Anywho... Now that fall is approaching I am ready for summer to be over and to get to wear pants more. I suppose the one downside of that is that I have to start wearing pants in the house too, which really isn't any fun.

Jenny is getting married in September, and I need to get my dress altered *sigh*, and plan her bachelorette party.

But, in the much closer future Este and I are going to Josh and Catherine's baby shower this afternoon. It should be fun. We'll have to go to the babys r us together which will be weird I think, but kinda fun too. Afterwards I'm going to Saucebox to meet up with my nursing peeps for a going away party for Kaitlyn. I'm pretty stoked for this, but will be ready to pass out before I even get there probably. Sunday we are to hang out with the Sadowski's. Its been so long since Este and I were alone at home and not only seeing eachother in passing to/from work that I really don't feel like doing anything on Sunday. I did warn Nikki that while Sam was here I would probably completely neglect her, and I totally did. She's a little upset I think, which means if I bail on Sunday I'm a mega bad friend. So we'll do something with them, but probably keep it low key. This way we can just hang out afterwards. I think in the past 3 days we've maybe seen a total of an hour of eachother. When I get home in the am, he's getting ready for work and out the door, when he gets home I'm almost on my way out the door. It sucks balls.

So what now? I have 3.5 hours left in my shift. I need to turn two of my patients, give one a suppository and an antiobiotic iv, another needs pills, and two others need pills and insulin. pfft..

So things are going ok...

I really hate my job, but what's new? :) I should stop complaining, but I complain so much to poor este, that I hope to deflect a little for him here. Lately I'm just frustrated because things aren't fair. And I am an adult and realize that sometimes things just aren't fair and you have to get over it. But when you feel shit on all of the time, that's difficult to do. It's also hard when you work with a bunch of other people that get shit on and all we do is have a 12 hour pity party every night. Not so healthy.

That said, we are having a big going away part on the 25th for Kaitlyn and Lynn who have moved or taken other jobs. I'm excited because I do really like to go out with my work-peeps. And everyone makes the same amount of money, so it's easy to pick a place and everyone has a very good time. I'm bummed that Kaitlyn will be leaving, and that this marks the beginning of a mass exudus from this unit of those I really like. Oh well. I will be in a new job by the end of the year. (i think i can, i think i can, ithink i can)...


Things at home are going ok. It's been awesome to have Sam and Greg, and to be really honest I just miss having girly time with Sam. Because Sam's my only girl friend (other than Amber who also left me. :( ) that will go get makeovers, smoke, go do some shopping, smoke, then go get desert. She's a thug, that's why I <3 her so much. My only other thug friend, other than Amber, would be este but he doesn't much care for the mac counter. I cannot wait until next spring.

The last week was pretty fun. Brewfest was fun inspite of some letdowns. Having the Suzuki's over for the bbq was a good time, as well as drinking at the brewfest. It wouldn't be a visit with Sam and Greg if I didn't spend some time with Jim and Maureen, which as much as I bitch about spending time with my bf's inlaws, they always show us a very lovely time. They take good care of their guests, which shows through Greg when we have been his guest. All of this fun has meant a lot of excess eating. Which is why I will have to do some serious exercize tomorrow and the next day, and the next day. :) I am still loosing weight, inspite of all the excess. But I imagine the next two weeks won't be so good. I will just be happy if I maintain at least where I'm at now, and do not gain.

So, over this weekend este and I did quite a lot. Friday night was weird. Este and I had a misunderstanding which resulted in my refusing to meet him at a party and going over to Serena's house. It was kind of eye opening in a way because Este and I had an argument over the phone while I was there, and afterwards Serena asked me who won. What was strange was I didn't feel as though I had won or lost, I was just sad. Sad that I was missing time with him, that things didn't go as I had thought they would, guilt for not just givning in and letting go. Its strange over time how disagreements feel. I'm not inferring that I'm apathetic. It's that I just really hate it when we don't get along, and more I just notice that we tend to have a misunderstanding that blows out of proportion. Every time. Sure, there have been genuine pissed off moments that required an apology on both our parts, but 9 times out of 10 we just didn't understand eachother. So silly. Well, eventually I ended up down at the party and had a lovely time, albeit short with Este and his/our friends affiliated with his work. Probably the most fun "work" party I've ever been to.

Saturday was the Rush concert which was pretty cool, but long. Old canadians rocking is pretty cool. Afterwards we met up with some of my work buddies at Kennedy School. After a few pints walked out to find our car smashed and grabbed. The fucking idiots only took the faceplate off the cd player. That's it. Not my expensive northface jacket, not the ipod adapter, no cd's, just the faceplate. They smashed my $150 window to take a worthless faceplate. Pawn shops dont take them, so I have no idea what this person(s) will do with it. So irritating. Has happened to me a couple of years ago too. Makes no sense.

Sunday we vegged. Watched movies and relaxed. We did do some grocery shopping which was nice, as I usually do that chore alone. The car break in left Este a little disillusioned, which is understandable. I think we're both at a point in our lives/careers where we want change but feel a little stuck. Don't get me wrong, I love my life and I have got it pretty good, but it always feels like things could be better. I think financially especially as we are just used to having more expendable income than we do now. There are things we want to do that we currently can't, and that just sucks. I know why that could be so upsetting to este and I think about it all the time too. All we can do is just work harding, which after Sam and Greg's visit will probably be happening more.

Which brings me to work, and my title; fuck work. Meeting up with my work friends we did what we always do, bitch about work. No one on my unit is happy, and though we get negative about work we certainly have fun together. I'm pretty bummed as most of my work friends will be leaving (relocating, new jobs, etc) this year. I'm very motivated to get into an ICU, and have applied to every icu position in this city. I won't be able to in legacy's system because they want me to have worked on my unit for a year, per their policy. To wait until a year means probably waiting almost two until another internship comes up. It's so frustrating because I know I'm ready to do it, but I lack the credentials. I'm becoming more motivated as it has come to light that I'm intentionally being given difficult assignments. By difficult I dont' mean more complicated, more acute/unstable patients; I mean the irritating bowel obsessed people that plague us regularly. So instead of aquiring new skills or being enriched mentally, I get to answer 1000 call lights all night because our support staff suck. Last week I got a spider bite that turned into cellulitus in my ankle. If any of you have ever had this, it's rather painful, especially when involving a joint. To call in sick you have to know by 5pm (2 hours before my shift starts). I didn't get out of my dr appt till 5:15, so I couldn't call in with my dr note. So when I got there I asked to work the desk (watching ekg monitors all night). Per usual, instead of advocating for her staff, my charge nurse tells me and the guy that was going to do it to fight over who will. This guy then has the audacity to give me a guilt trip because he will have to take my "shitty" assignment, and he was prepared to sit all night. I then say "well the next time you have cellulitus I will trade with you."

Talking with my friends, I later found out that this nurse told my charge to give me back all of my hard patients because he had had such a shitty night. Now, this is the type of bullshit I'm refering to. So, after I had this assignment for 2 days, and this guy has to take them for one he decides that because they are so hard that I should have to take them again as retribution for his "hard work." Wouldn't you say, "wow this assignment is difficult. Maybe you could split it up or people could rotate?" You know, be supportive of your coworkers instead of intentionally shitting on them.

So now I'm up at 1:30am on my day off because I'm too anxious to sleep because I have to work tomorrow and I'm afraid of what I'm going to end up with. Can you imagine that? Being so anxious about how horrible your day at work is going to be that you can't sleep and consider calling in sick every day? That is so fucked up. What scares me is that I've never really liked any job I have had. God I hope I like something some day.

I hope my benadryl kicks in soon.

Well, I decided I desperately needed to post on my journal because every time I open it up, I see your guys' post on George and it makes me sad.


I never thought I'd be so attached to such a little shit like George. He peed on everything and cost me lots of money (what man doesn't?). Oh well, he was a good snuggler. Given my total blindness, I occasionally think I see him in the corner of my eye...then when its a bath mat or something I get sad for a moment. I'm just happy to have had such great memories with him...he signified quite a turning point in my life. He made it from my first apartment to my first house. Pretty cool. It worries me that when Tucker leaves me what it will do to me. You all know how gay I am for Tucker. Anywho, I'm sure there will be the pitter-patter of little kitty feet in our house again sometime in the not-so-distant future. :)

Though it has been sort of boring, this has actually been quite a nice summer for me. I've been working on lots of personal goals that I feel I had lost sight of over the past two years.

Things I'm working on;
*Reading one non-medical book per month (I know, it's not a lot, but I do have a hard time finding time to do it)
*No more crap to eat; I have not had fast food, with the exception of a veggie sammie from subway in almost 2 months. I believe there was a tacobell snaffoo, but I only ate a little bit and didn't even like it...plus I was hungover, and my anti-emetic stimulated my appetite a bit. :) Other than that I've been avoiding any white flour, most sugar, and excess fat. I still eat pasta, bread and desert every once in a while, so I never feel really denied. This has helped me to keep very balanced. I feel that I've always dieted, and I got to a point that I realized there is no way for that to work long term. I want Este and I to be healthy for a long time, and that means only putting good things in our bodies. So far it is going very well, and I feel loads better (and lighter!). The best of cooking light cookbook has been my bible, and I think its working great. (right este?)
*Try to exercise every day. This has taken a couple of forms. I initially joined a gym. Stupid mistake. I live in Oregon, exercise is free here. So, now I try to walk the dogs for at least an hour a day. I've been doing 10 pushups, granted girly ones, and 50 crunches a day. The only times I really skip are on my work days. It seems like only sleeping 6 hours between 12 hour shifts has made it difficult for me to wake up in the 90 degree heat and get moving. I think that's pretty reasonable.
*Put more energy into my relationship. I've been working hard to be more present at home. I think I drifted for a long time secondary to my depression, and now that the fog has lifted a bit I realize what I've missed out on. I have a wonderful partner, and I hope I show him how much I appreciate it (almost) every day.
*Stay more on top of house work. This is a tough one. I hate to fucking clean. Everyone does. I do love a clean house though, so that motivates me. This last week has been rough given the weather. I did laundry today, and try to keep the dishes done. Other than that, I've done absolutely nothing this week. There are a number of days left, so I guess its something to work on.
*Stop spending so much money. Going pretty well. As I lose weight I get to wear more of my old clothes, so that's almost as fun as goin shopping. For now. Hopefully by the end of the year I'll have a little more freedom in this arena.
*Learn to appreciate myself, and not lose sight of the importance of loving myself. A horrible side effect of my being depressed was pretty much hating myself for my behaviors among other things. Its so hard for people around you to understand the reasoning behind one's behaviors. I know this was stressful for my family, and especially este. I know I was probably very difficult to live with for a while, and I continue to beat myself up about it. This is why I'm trying to forgive myself for this. Its very hard, as I tend to judge myself much harder than anyone else. I'm sure everyone goes through this. But I think with myself especially, most people close to me expect and depend on my emotional stregnth. I get very caught up in presenting a stoic front without concern for my own well being. I think thats certainly a big factor in how I was able to be so miserable inside for so long. Additionally, I know that the ability to accomplist the above has been a result of my learning to like myself again. Its a nice feeling, and something I hope to build upon in the coming years. Certainly not an easy feat.

On my list of things to try to accomplish;
*Call friends more, make more attempts to spend time with friends.
*Read 2 non-medical books per month
*Post in my journal at least weekly, as I find it rather therapeutic.
*Work on being more consistant with my food journal. In other words, actually do my food journal more than every couple of weeks.
*Start jogging/running if my knees can handle a few more weeks of walking. I had some difficulty with my right knee in the beginning, but it feels much better since I switched shoes.
*Try to ween off of medications next year. I recently didn't have them for a couple of days, and the result was a little scary.
*Get into an ICU internship or get on a different unit by the end of 2007.


Whew, I'll stop there. Looks like I have a lot to work on. :)

In coming news, Sam and Greg will be here soon and I can't frick'n wait. I know they will be rather busy their first week here, but just having them in the same time zone is comforting. That also means that the camping trip is not far off and I always look forward to that. It always kind of caps off the summer in a really good way. It's weird to think we're alreayd half through july. Time does go by faster and faster it seems.

I will leave things at that for the moment. I won't have anything to write next week. ;)

Now for the future. In the next

George at the ripe old age of whoknowswhat went to the big cat nip field in the sky yesterday. He was a good cat friend and he will be deeply missed. Everyone he met liked him, and probably has a funny story about him. Coming home from work this morning was tough, he always greeted me at the door.


Bye georgiekitty, thanks for all the snuggles.

Anyone know where I can buy one? This week?

Thanks,
Robin